I disappeared and this happened- Part 2.
Just a lot of feelings and thoughts. Made me cringe. You might too.
Friday,
September 15.
…A man,
Yes. So loneliness did make me want a man and here is how it went.
I was so attracted to a particular guy at this time that even got me confused about myself. The reason for the confusion was because I always saw this guy often times a week before then and I never had any sort of feeling for him but suddenly, I was attraction- struck. Like I would conclude, I thought it was for a short period of time because of the kind of feeling ovulation comes with so I was just winging it until I couldn't anymore. Yes, I didn't want to get into a relationship for sure but, here I was, feeling different. What made things worse was social media and people around me being all lovey-dovey and it felt like I just sat there watching all the drama. I started feeling uncomfortable and I decided that I was going to address the situation. I didn't want it to get worse than it already was so I decided to get into action, well, sadly it didn't work out like I had planned in my head.
This is what happened.
I got closer to him. I became more of his friend. I felt like feelings were mutual with both of us because he treated me quite nicely and I saw no reason why I shouldn't carry on with whatever was going on. Everything was all glitz and glamour until things changed. I decided to get to know what our relationship with each other was tactfully, and everything went silent. I didn't really pay attention to that. We started to have disagreements and were at loggerheads with one another most of the time but I didn't really read meaning into it. I felt something was off but I really didn't want to care. I just knew that I was attracted to this guy and I wanted my feelings to be reciprocated and that was all that mattered to me. I exerted myself vigorously doing whatever it was that would make him have a conversation with me on my feelings. I wasted my time and maybe his as well.
Another thing that happened during the month of July and August was me finding out the level of indiscipline and lack of motivation I had. I had habits and routines when I was a little bit younger and it seemed like I sold them at a very cheap rate. The time I spent on my phone was so much and it made me exhausted physically and mentally. I knew it was unusual but I just couldn't stop it. I would complain about the attitude and bad habit but I never made a change. I was too comfortable with the lifestyle that even the very important things didn't matter anymore. As long as I was convenient and comfortable with the way life was driving me at that moment, I didn't bat an eyelid to adjusting the behavior, no matter how destructive it was.
By the way, I started the journey of self-discovery again. You could call this RE-discovery. How?
Sometimes, when I sat alone I would let my thoughts wander. I am an overthinker, so most times the thinking goes beyond but while I searched my thoughts daily, I began to pick on the things I did when I was younger and the things I did at the time and I made a comparison as to what changed, what I did differently then and the results of all those things. I looked into my personalities then and now and it kind of kept me on my feet. You might not be able to understand this but I would help with an example.
Here's the thing. While on this disappearing journey, I started to pin point why some people didn't have to be my friends even if initially I thought we would be friends forever. I started to segregate and reason deeply on why I had to unfriend a person but peacefully so that it doesn't look like I dislike them or anything. I just wanted to communicate reasons with them on why they were not fit to be my friend but still feel at ease. But I couldn't feel at ease. And I couldn't even tell them. In the past, in senior secondary school or high school as some people call it, I loved anyone I termed a friend but when you make me feel uncomfortable and I call it out several times and you still stick to doing you, I'll bid you a good bye with ease and I'll still be happy but this time, it wasn't the case, I couldn't wave someone who made me uncomfortable goodbye and remain happy. I would be so sad that I would go back to apologize. This is one of the many things I looked into and the lessons I learnt from this is below so keep reading.
Lessons learnt:
The lessons I learnt from all these are pretty deep. First, I learnt that life comes in seasons and no matter how self-aware or organized you think your life is, you would be shaken. It's true that most times you need to take control of your life but when a season switches, you might lose hold of it for some time and that is fine. In my case, I moved from knowing what I really wanted to do to questioning if I really wanted to do it. I knew I also wasn't ready to be in a relationship but I was the one craving for reciprocated feelings. This brings me to making the point that you might not really be available for something but factors around you would have an effect on you. In my case, it was me dwelling on the relationship section of Instagram and getting into the zone of the people in relationships that forced the finding love thinking into my head which necessarily isn't a bad thing but it wasn't what I wanted at that time.
Another lesson I learnt was to find happiness with myself and not making other people a priority for my happiness. So I skipped some part of the story and I have to say it now because it's in accord with this lesson. Do you recall when I said that guy treated me quite nicely? Yes you do. Well, quite nicely wasn't really nice and because I shut my eyes to a lot of things, I discarded and made excuses for things he did that were not nice at all. So he treated me in very not kind ways that I would never have accepted from just anyone. Emotions and feelings kind of make you psycho. I embraced whatever he did and that became a regular. Let your head lead guys, and not your heart. The heart is treacherous. Sometimes, you have to cool off that feeling and let your brain work, when I did that, I could just let him go. There were other people too that I allowed to treat me some type of way that were unpleasant and it took such a huge toll on me but when I reasoned, I was able to set my priorities right. Your ultimate source of happiness can come from within you and others are just a plus. I'll be doing a podcast episode on this so stay tuned.
Towards the end of July and August, I came back to planning the newsletter and the podcast. I first started off by changing my name on Instagram, on the newsletter and even created a new podcast. This is because I wanted to start afresh and be more aware of what I’m doing on the three platforms, the documentation of my life and the community I'm trying to reach and engage with. My personalities differ on each platform but when combined translates to me as a whole. This is because I've learnt a lot, I'm learning, I would still learn and would love to share with you. While on this disappearance journey as well, I came to love my family more. I grew a closer relationship with my siblings and my parents but this taught me a very deep and touching lesson which I'll be sharing in the next newsletter. Anticipate.