September 1st,
Friday.
At the time this was written, it had no title or subtitle so I literally do not know what I am writing about but I am writing something though. This newsletter is more of a storytelling one because it’s been a long time since I wrote here and I just wanted to come on here and do a little updating.
First off, it has been 4 months and some minutes(more than a thousand minutes) since I left you guys here and I sincerely apologize for that but I had to. It was needed badly. I think you can also learn from me taking a break here so after reading the story, you can pick out points that would help you. There are a series of events that unfolded while I was gone that taught me a lot and would teach you too. My school was on holiday at the time I left, but shortly after, I resumed school and things were going fine. I resumed earlier than I was supposed to resume but I still loved that I did that. I wanted space from the family, which I highly recommend. Yes, I know you love them so much and it looks like you cannot do without them but sometimes, you have to chill in your own space alone and try to figure things out. That right there, was what I did.
Second, I resumed with a kind of not clear vibes. I was burnt out from everything I was doing at the time, so I stopped podcasting, stopped blogging, and stopped doing nothing at all. Why? you might still ask. I felt like I was not doing enough. Like, I was not doing what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to do it. It made me mentally, emotionally, and physically tired because everything was not going the way I planned. Another thing happened, I did not dress as well as I did in past semesters of school in comparison to this semester. In a nutshell, I was more shabby looking, well, only to school. I was comfortable with whatever came to my mind to wear and that was when I knew that it was past burnout and that I was just disoriented and scattered like never before. I disliked myself, my thinking, and my mindset at the time. This was the month of May.
Next, it didn’t get better if you were thinking it did. Something did change, I decided to pick up new routines and some of them still work today. Things like reading my bible daily, and reading books even if I do not complete a particular book before I move to the next one. So in total, I have read 6 books halfway since I disappeared. Atomic Habits by James Clear, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, 101 Essays to Change the way you think by Brianna West, Twenty-Two by Allison Trowbridge, In Five Years by Rebecca Serle and A Show for Two by Tashie Bhuiyan. They’ve been good for the fact that I read fiction since I disliked fiction since secondary school. I read one of Colleen Hoover’s books too, The End of Us but I didn’t finish that one too and I did not really enjoy it. Speaking of books and reading, please do well to recommend fictional books with a spice of love but without deep intimacy like sex. I would really appreciate it, thank you. I Tried journaling but could not keep up because it needed a lot of thinking. This was June.
Nope, we are not done with June, time to talk about the real rut and funk because the last paragraph was a sweet one. Now the sour side, I became a whole new person, I did sleep 7-8 hours, and worked out a few times but I knew for sure that I wasn’t myself. I borrowed another person’s internal system but externally, you could see me. I do overthink a few times but come on, I was pissed at how much overthinking I was doing at that time. June and July shared this amongst themselves. I started missing writing my newsletter(talking to you guys here) and dropping weekly episodes of my podcast. Do you want to know what the crazy thing was? I’ll tell you. When all these started, I recorded an episode every day till this day but will always delete them without putting them out because I was not confident in what I was doing and was not even confident in putting it out. Is that what you guys call imposter syndrome? I used to be sure of what I was doing but it seemed like everything flipped. I so doubted myself, I would ask myself every day if I was really supposed to be doing things like podcasting and writing and having a newsletter. I wasn’t sure of what I was doing anymore. My life didn’t have that compass that directed me on a path any longer. I think I lost it. I was someone that kind of felt like I have everything figured out and if not completely at least an 8 out of 10 and there I was, clueless. I was so sad I would often break down. Twice to three times, I announced that I just wanted to cry for no reason. Have you ever experienced this?
Are you thinking we are finished? We are not done yet, In fact, we just started. Another thing that made me feel sad again and unfulfilled and not satisfied with myself was that I started to feel lonely. My loneliness does not last more than 24hrs, a day. At ultimatum a week. But what if I tell you that I felt lonely for 2-almost 3 months? I started to crave being in a relationship. I mean, I made the choice to be single, I have the best friends anyone could ever pray for, I had family that I spoke to every day, and there were a few acquaintances to hang out with a few times but I was still lonely. I wanted a man. This was when things became spicy.
Lesson learnt:
You might be thinking about what the lesson is in this part of the story. To me, the lesson was life comes in seasons and like different weather's, how you were and felt a week ago might be different from what you feel at the moment and this might take longer than usual. I was hard on myself when I started to feel these things but I was still self-aware. Self-awareness is very essential to everyone. Get to know yourself so well, when you do, you would be able to tell when something seems off and not only that, you would be able to approach the situation with more sanity. It's important that you study yourself so well and when you find something amiss, note it down and handle the situation carefully.
Want to find out more about my relationship status at present? Comment “part 2” for a continuation. I'm also dying to let you know.
I also found myself treading this paths few months back. What kept me going??
You said n I quote "Self-awareness". This goes a long way than its definition. Creatives go through this phase. We all do but what's important is not getting stucked.
I'm glad you're back.
You've really starved us. Hoping you make it all up.
I'm dying to read about it... This is me screaming "part 2"